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Just my thoughts


In this blog I will wright my thoughts and stuff, because I'm sure not that many people know what's inside my head at the moment

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So today was my 7th (I think I really lost count) and today my mother and father joined me in this appointment. We talked about the progress I have made, which isn’t that much but oh well… my mood is really in a wave motion so I can’t really find balance or anything. I’m either really repressed or fine. And I’ve noticed that if I don’t have structure then my mood gets worse. So sitting and doing nothing is not an option anymore. Next to that if I don’t have structure then I don’t eat or drink, either I forget or I just don’t want to.

We talked about how I wanted to say goodbye to my uncle. And they all found it a good idea, and special. My  psych however did say to me that maybe it was a good thing to add something more to it. That it would be either a good idea to talk with my aunt about it or other people. Problem is that my aunt is just as bad with showing that then me. In fact she specifically doesn’t want to  talk about her feelings. There for I would be afraid to hurt her if I start a conversation with her about it. I, however do think it might be a good idea to talk to one of my cousins about it, maybe they can help me a bit too.  Then I have 2 ways of saying goodbye, let’s hope it will work.

If there is a bad trait that I share with my family then its keeping emotions to ourselves ( next to the fact that depression is highly active under the females on my father’s side) the fact is that some of us don’t talk about our emotions and don’t speak what is on their minds.

My psych said, “I know you want to keep them from getting worried about you, but them not knowing makes them much more concerned”  I know the truth of those words. So I will have to learn to speak my emotions, even though its hard

We also agreed that I’m going to ask a food expert ( in town) how to make  a healthy food diet to make me eat. Seeing as I keep losing weight and I still can’t eat.  ( I had to buy new clothes because mine are getting to big…..)

So I had to agree to a lot of things lately. Let’s hope they won’t disappoint, that also means myself

Posted: 14:15, 7/5/2013
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Saying Goodbye

Soon I’m going to say goodbye to someone that meant a lot to me when I was a child, and still does. Even if my mind hast registered all the memories of that time, seeing as he only saw me grow up till almost  the age of 14. I want to put effort in a goodbye in which I can say my thanks for all the things that he has done for me.

So after 4 years of pushing the mourning and emotions of that time away, I will have to face it now. And I will, proudly and in my own way.

I decided that I want to make a flower piece, so i asked the florist close from here ( who I personally know) what the possibilities where and got the offer to go there and make the piece with her help when its time.

I hope that I can say goodbye now, in my own way

On the side note a person said to me today, “ its normal that you feel alone when you have a depression, no one can truly know how you feel, because they are YOUR emotions” it was simple, but to be honest, I never really thought about it that way.

As for my graduation, a lot of people are putting a lot of effort in me, to make sure I graduate, I’m so grateful. The only thing that is left is my own effort. So I’m going to work hard and make sure that I make the people who try to help me and support me can be proud.

Posted: 14:10, 6/5/2013
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Hello again, I remember you dont I? You always come around When my world crumbles When the chains pull me back, Back into your grip When I thought I would never see you again. We have a history together dont we? How I resented you and fought you, But also felt safe in your arms. You build me a world, And you set me on the thrown, gave me a crown. Did you hope I didnt notice? That the thrown is as broken as the person on it? Or was it to tease me? To taunt me with the dream I had. I hear your whispers, As you invade my mind. You have always been stronger then the other havent you? My Darkness, Mark my words one day Ill be in the light again.

Posted: 17:30, 3/5/2013
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Hello again, old friend

Yesterday I was pondering about why people still care to even talk to me. All that comes out of my mouth is depressed talk. I really understand why some have stopped talking to me. Every time I start a conversation with someone I just have the feeling that I"m bothering that person. The only question that pops into my head is why? I decided on not bothering to worry about the people leaving me anymore. If they are better of without me in their life. Then I"m fine with it. They just have to tell me, otherwise I will unconsciously bother them. I rather know then act foolish. I noticed that I"m starting to dull my emotions again. I really hate that side of me. But its a self defence mechanism. And somewhere I have the feeling that I will need " her" help again too. I think I have to trace back my steps from 4 years ago. So I will have to start at my uncles grave and look at everything that is at least the slightest bit of dark in the 4 years that followed. I wonder, if I retrace the steps. Will I turn into a different person? Will I completely change the way I choose back then and walk a other path? On a side note I know that some of you don't want to read this blog. I understand and accept if you don't. But I just can voice everything that's on my mind. So please don't wait on anything that will not come. I will only disappoint you. I know that I will lose a lot of people. People that I care about and always tried to be there for. But that's life isn't it? As depressing as it may sound, its true. I can not say with honesty that I accept that. But its not like I have a choice in that matter.

Posted: 13:32, 3/5/2013
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because there's still a long ways to go and I can't see the end

Apparently I have found myself a way of saying my feelings on facebook without being all emo about it. And people can just skip it if they feel bothered. It seems that a lot of the songs I have on my mobile thats blasting music in my hears through headphones are describing what Im going through. Who knew that I unconsciously preparing for this downfall a long time ago? I hope this is my lowest pit. I truly do. Otherwise Ill go insane. I had my 6th ( I believe) psychologist appointment today. We are switching to 2 times a week in order for me to function and Im still on calming meds. Next to that I cant except physical contact without crying and pushing away ( not even a comfort hug from my parents) and I havent slept well in 5 nights now. I try to drink as much water as possible and the food well at least Im drinking . I ask for people to stop calling me things like strong or wise or shit. It only hurts and reminds me that I am not. I still have a long road to go.

Posted: 18:11, 25/4/2013
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Their voices wont reach me

They say things to me, that i dont want to hear. They try to help but it hurts I wonder if you hear the same words. And like i do, dint want to believe them. I'm sick of listening to them, and making mistakes because if it. I will be doing it on my own now. I dont have that much to lose anymore. My worst fear has already come true. I'll force the food and medicine down my throat, in order to survive. I'll force myself into dreamless sleep. In order not to go insane. I'll hold onto my small hopes. In order to keep fighting. I'll keep the music blast into my ears, so their voices wont reach me. So that i dont make mistakes anymore, bevause i do what they say

Posted: 09:00, 23/4/2013
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Time will tell....

my heart cries out that i made a mistake. I could have layed in you arms right now. telling you that I love you. I feel isolated because of the help of my parents. their words sound wise but feel wrong. can it be this is wrong? that i'm pushing away what i need to hold close? i dont know , i dont know. i feel so helpless... and somehow... i have the feeling no one will read this... and if one does... then i still cant recieve anything.... somehow i have the feeling that my parents are too overprotective at the moment

Posted: 20:36, 20/4/2013
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Delayed Mourning

I had my 3th therapy session today.
My therapist is a smart woman with a clear view,
she points out the things that I overlook and helps me dig deeper in my memory.
They said that in the first session I sounded angry and upset,
the second I was calm
and this one I was happy telling memories at some parts but also very sad.
Today we went back 4 years in my memory. Which was kind of a hard time for me.
It seems that old wounds have to be opened again to heal.
We noticed that the memories still hurt me.
" Delayed mourning" she called it.
Seeing as I couldn't handle it at that time, I locked it away in my mind and I have to go through it now.
I wonder...
The next session will be with my parents and brother joining to talk about the mourning. Somehow I feel bad for having them to talk about it. Then again maybe they have processed it better then I, and are at peace with it.
I do not look forward to digging up the memories of that time, not at all. But somehow, I have the feeling that it might be better. And if it isn't , then at least I have voiced the things, that I could 4 years ago.

Posted: 14:31, 12/4/2013
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haya all

hey guys, so yeah... i started up a weblog, seeing as i might do things right now that you don't understand. and because i want to prevent fights and stuff. i'll just let you read my thoughts. you dont have to if you dont want, i'm not forcing. kay that was it for now, see ya

Posted: 17:35, 11/4/2013
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Having to Give up

I have to give up a lot lately My Pride, My plans and a lot more I have been fighting a lot of things on my own for about 4 years, for about 2 years I have fought for others too. I was strong, non can deny that. I was able to walk the path with my head high, guiding others along the way too. Some of them even seeing me fit for a queen, hah what a joke. Now im more like a lost child, being forced to lay the last of my power in someone else's hands. Having to accept help, because it's the only way. What can you gain, from a kingdom that has fallen A thrown that has been burned and a crown that has been burned. I have to give up my plans for the future, now im not fit to for fill them anymore. Everyone says it's the best, and yes I agree. But it hurts, knowing that you failed what you worked for for 2 years. I have the feeling that no one completely understands, how this could have happened. Some still can't believe it. And most of all, some don't want to accept it. I decided to wright down my thoughts, and post it, and ill probably do it more.

Posted: 16:07, 10/4/2013
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