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From my point of view
a letter for you
I wanted to tell you our story from my point of view.
I've met you, we've walked across each other, we've become friends and we fell in love with each other. I know, it sounds like the ultimate love story, but we had one problem. Our love was meant to fail. We had fun though, we laughed, we talked, we almost kissed, we waited, we hoped for a solution. I'd even got to cry about you. But then the sun came up and reality showed and i wished the sun stayed away. It's too confusing for me. I can't bare it anymore. I keep doubting about myself. Maybe I'm too depressing, maybe I'm too happy, maybe I'm too fat, maybe I'm too skinny , I can't help it. I'd tried to stop loving you, but I get reminded off you every day and it hurts. It hurts like hell. Everybody expects me to bare it all, to keep on breathing. But I don't feel like breathing, carrying this burden, this weight on my shoulders. Not being able to choose between you and them. So I'd chosen them, because I know they will stay with me forever and i didn't know for how long you and me could be a we. I've lost so many people I loved, and then that sunday again. I wished you could take your words back for one day and hold me in your arms, comfort me, only for that day. But you didn't, you wished me all the luck in the world, but you didn't take your words back. I'm not mad about it, not even disappointed. I just wished you would be there for me, but I know it would make everything even harder for you. For me there is no way back, I keep getting reminded of you every day, even if I don't want to. Only thinking of you makes my heart race like I'm running 2000 miles. It confuses my mind, my body, everything. There are a lot of things you don't know about me, but I'm willing to tell you everything, if you would only be willing to listen. First of all, it's not your fault we couldn't be together. If you didn't stop this, I would. I would wait for a month or two. But then you would know too much about me, you would get too close to me and I would have pushed you away. I know you don't believe this right now but that's why I don't have a boyfriend. Because I push them away. I do regret it sometimes, but then someone, I got attached to, dies and I'd be heartbroken again. I would lost, losing myself in the grief I tried to hide. Inside I'm torn apart, but then every friday, I'm happy, i can put all the grief and sadness aside and be me again. And that means so much to me.
But then I realized that I don't know anything about you, and I would really like to get to know you. I mean I know you care about the people you love and you worry about them but what do I know about you? Well, I know your name, I know how old you are and how much you love life. But you haven't told me anything about you and that hurts too, it feels like you don't trust me. And I even can't get mad at you about it, because I get it, I get all of it. Maybe that's what hurts me the most, that I get it, I get you. I understand every word you said and still you and I can't be a we. Sometimes I wish that I'd never met you but then I remind myself at what I would be without you and that wouldn't be good. I would search comfort in alcohol or drugs, just like a friend of mine did. I'm happy with who I'd become and unhappy with us. But you can't have everything you want. Still every time I see you hurts, like I'm getting punched in the stomach or slapped in the face. The only difference between getting slapped in the face and the pain I feel when i see you, and I want you, is that a slap in the face only hurts on the place where you got hit and this hurts everywhere. You know, before you, I had never felt that before, and I don't know what that means. And if you would ever read this, it would only make things harder, for both of us. That's why I run when I feel bad, I used to write it down but then some people read it and got upset and I didn't want that anymore. So I run, because that wouldn't hurt anyone, only myself the day after. I wanted to try, try to make it work between us. But for both of us, it's to much to give up. So that's the, 'I don't even know anymore how many reason' why we can't go on like this. And this isn't for you, but for me, it's everything to remind me why I shouldn't kiss you or try to kiss you again. But also every reason why I should remember you and don't push you out of my life. Actually I'm just afraid, I'm afraid of ending up alone, first my best friend left me, then you did and to finish it, an other friend also did. And it hurts, it hurts so much and I want it to stop. But you can't make it stop, that would be wrong, so I'm not asking you to, I just wanted you to know.
Sometimes you just need to run, as fast as you can. Just run among the sidewalk and don't think about anything but breathing. Feel free, feel alive! Then slowly stop running, and keep on walking. Just go straight ahead. It doesn't matter who you know and who doesn't like you. Life isn't about working and relationships, life is about finding yourself. If you've completed your search, you'll be ready to die, because there is nothing left for you in this world. But as long as you're still looking for the right answer, you'll be alive. Don't think all the answers will find you, you'll have to find them. They're hidden everywhere, you've probably already mist some answers, just by reading this. But if you look back on you're life, what do you regret? Think about your mistakes and how your life would have been now if you didn't make those mistakes then. Was it worth making the mistakes? I think it was, because if you didn't make them, you wouldn't be who you are right now. And off course, we all still have a lot to learn, but it takes time, lots and lots of time. We will forget the things we'd learned and remember them again. Still there is one thing i can't figure out, why on earth do we need to love? You might think you don't need love, but you have to look at the bigger picture, think about your family, about your friends, what would you do without them? When you're depressed, the world seems to big for you, and every problem seems to complicated to solve, you need someone who tells you everything is going to be okay again. Yes, all these thoughts pop up in one simple run. And if we're being philosophic, if we would run 5 times a day, we would be able to accomplish world peace. Unfortunately we aren't that far yet. We're not even halfway. That's not your fault, it's not mine, because not everybody thinks this way when they are running. Some people have to be stoned, others have to be drunk, the lucky ons get them by just waking up and some people just don't get it. What I'm trying to say is that you can't live your life alone. And most important, it's not about what you do, but who you do it with.
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