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Start the change

First step

00:10, 8/10/2008 .. 1 comments .. Link

It's not only Only Obama who needs a change. As I have entered my forties, I little by little discover that things need to change. Eventhough I kinda have it all; I'm not a millionaire living the live of a Goddes. No, but I'm married, have two kids, a good salary, my parents are still alive and we are all healthy, I have a few good friends and once a year we indulge ourselves by escaping to the sun and bathe in luxury.

As you can read, I haven't quite mentioned the word "happy". I know the definition of happiness, but it does not apply to me? The happy me has disapeared into a big unhappy being that I hardly recognise any more. I look in the mirror and I see a stranger who bares my names, caries all my memories but who does not look like the me I know I am. I'm in there somewhere under the warm layers of the 30 kg I have collected during the last 20 years. I keep telling myself to get the hell out of there. I hear the message loud and clear, but the energy to do something about it is just not there. Why the hell not?

Allowing these feelings to submerge I must admit that it feels as if I have been drowning for a very long time. Sometimes I come up for air getting all worked up to free myself and then chickening out because I'm affraid to leave the comfort of that coat I have worn for so long. Affraid of what lays ahead and of change.

As I turned forty I fortunately experienced a change I could not control. An overpowering feeling of assurance. A new wisdom, of being able to address anything and everything that comes my way. I suddenly realised I am able to make a difference in my life. That I am worth it and that I can do it.
However, a life/history/pattern built in 40 years does not get changed overnight. It took me 2 years to deal with this realisation and to accept that I was not happy with the life I was living and that my unhappiness had a big impact on my children, husband, parents, relatives, colleagues, work etc. Everyone and everything I touched, got infected, once I made the decision to drown in my own sorrow/pitty.

Sitting on my couch tonight I decided to stop crying inside, to do what I have thinking of doing for a very long time. My oldest son (16) has told me a few times lately to "laugh a little bit more". He is right, I do not know how to laugh anymore. I take everything to seriously. I need to start enjoying life and the only person who can help me do that is ME. A small step forward and a giant leap towards ME.

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