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I'm bad at diaries, I like them for a day and I leave them alone. I know this and yet I'm gonna try once more, there's something different this time, I know it's the worst thing to say as first entry.
When I was young I saw my life in front of me, being succesful in something big, being a classy and strong woman. I'm strong, at least my front is, I'm not so sure I'm that strong. I was always good at various things. I could do anything if I put my mind to it, that's what my parents thought me, I always used to believe in that. Not so sure what changed or when it changed.
My life is a mess, just as much as my room is. It is what it is, but I have the power to change it all, I have the power to become who I once was. Not sure exactly where to start. I think most of it started when I got a burn out at the age of 15, not because of school workload, not because I had a partttime job. I had a burn out because of my mother, my mother is an alcoholic, has agoraphobia and I thought it was my responsibility to help her, save her. I did that forever, I thought it was how life was supposed to go. We had a pretty good life so far, at least to the outside world. When I was 15 and a half the world fell apart, at least mine did. My stepdad divorced my Mom, the worst thing for a child is not to discover that your mother isn't the person you thought she was, but to find out that if she had the chance of a do-over you wouldn't be in it. Things got pretty bad, till they were too much to bare for me, till I had taken it too far. I was completely worn out, but I had a place to go my real dad told me to stay with him. I went back to my mom a half year later, for all the wrong reasons and a half year later we were back at my fathers place. A half year later my little sister went back before I did, I followed later, but I couldn't go back to normal, I had changed. I decided to live fully with my father, that didn't go well with my mom. Things happened, stuff went on, people being mad at each other.
When I re-read this I feel like I haven't even told everything, I would need several days to write everything down. It'll come down the road. My dad died in march, he was my lifeline. I've decided to take my life back, to be the one in control.
I don't know how many of you are familiar with SMART criteria. To put it simple it's a way to set goals for yourself that are attainable within a certain time. SMART stands for, Specific, Measurable, Assignable, Realistic and Time related. It's a system most common used to set goals for yourself in work related area and/or forhow a business is supposed to grow. If you want to read more about the smart criteria click the link in the first sentence of this paragraph.
But now what are my goals?
I give myself till the 1st of april 2015 to finish all my goals, because then I want to fly to Japan for my first big trip alone. I'm going to keep this journal to see how I'm doing. That''s it for my first entry.
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