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a 12 word poem
Maybe I felt happy because I forgot to let myself be sad.
Not in love with you.
I fell in love with the way you stuttered when you tried to speak,
But, I'm not in love with you.
[poem] but not today.
[poem] darkest hours.
what keeps me up at night
I'm not sure if you lost me
Why I love The Script so much.
Het begon allemaal op 18 januari 2009, ik weet de datum nog exact. Ik kwam die dag als eerst in aanraking met de muziek van de Ierse band 'The Script', ik had er nog nooit eerder van gehoord maar het 1e liedje, wat overigens The man who can't be moved was, pakte me meteen in. Het was alsof de korte intro met meteen omarmde, de tekst pakte me en het bleef de rest van de dag in mijn hoofd hangen. ''I know it makes no sense, what else can I do? How can I move on when I'm still in love with you?'' Ik ging ook de rest van het album luisteren en elk liedje wist me te raken. Het was alsof elk liedje 1 perfect geheel was, de fijne stem om naar te luisteren, de teksten waar ik mezelf in terug kon vinden en de muziek zelf, het klopte allemaal en vulden elkaar perfect aan. De liedjes die ik na 'The man Who can't be moved' luisterden waren als eerst vooral Breakeven, We Cry en I'm yours. Aan sommige nummers moest ik wat wennen maar al snel koesterde ik ieder liedje die op de cd stond. Ik denk dat ik me wel direct fan heb kunnen noemen want na dat moment is er geen enkele band of artiest geweest waar ik zo veel van hield als hen, geen band/artiest heeft ze vanaf dat moment weten te overtreffen. Ik heb me ook veel meer dan alleen in de muziek verdiept maar ook in de band, de personen zelf. Het zijn 3, eigenlijk 4 als we Ben mee rekenen, geweldige mannen die heel veel om hun fans geven, ze steunen ze ook echt met hun muziek en via twitter laten ze verschillende bemoedigende berichten achter. Je ziet dat ze van het leven genieten en er wat van maken, of het nou mee zit of niet en dat is iets waar velen wat van kunnen leren. Ze proberen ook echt contact op te nemen met de fans, door verschillende videochats en acties op twitter. Toen hun 2e album 'Science & Faith' uit kwam in september 2010 moest ik 'm natuurlijk ook direct hebben, ik had al kennis gemaakt met het nummer For the first time, wat de eerste single was van het 2e album. Ik was meteen verliefd op het album, wekenlang heb ik het aan 1 stuk doorgedraait, tot vervelends toe voor anderen. De liedjes vertellen allemaal weer een verhaal. En net als het 1e album kreeg elk liedje weer een plek in mijn hart. Ik meen het als ik zeg dat elk liedje van The Script een herinnering bij me opbrengt en bepaalde gevoelens en ik aan ieder liedje kan relateren, alsof het voor mij geschreven is. The Script zingen die liederen van mijn hart en zongen de woorden, die ik zelf niet kon vinden. Lang was 'Long gone and moved on' mijn favoriete lied, de tijd dat ik erg diep in de put zat. ''Still wear the scars like it was yesterday.'' Later was mijn favoriete lied 'Science and faith' vanwege ''you can't explain a love like ours.'' Ik denk dat ik daarbij geen uitleg hoef te geven, is vanzelfsprekend. Kort nadat het album werd uitgebracht kwam het grote nieuws dat The Script naar Nederland zou komen, dus ik heb geen moment geaarzeld en vroeg aan mijn ouders of ik erheen mocht, de teleurstellende woorden ''Daar moet ik nog even over nadenken.'' werden tegen me gezegd. Dat weekend ging ik op kamp, dus ik hoopte dat als ik terug zou komen ze er overuit waren of ik mocht of niet. Al snel werd ik uit de droom geholpen, het was binnen 1 dag uitverkocht. Ik heb er heel hard om gehuild, klinkt ontzettend kinderachtig maar ik wou niets liever de band live zien die mijn leven wat meer ''verdraagbaar'' had gemaakt. Op 31 januari stuurde een vriendin mij de link om een Very Important Phonecall te winnen met The Script, georganiseerd door Bart van 3FM. Natuurlijk had ik er meteen heen gemailt en de dag erna kreeg ik telefoon, het was een raar gesprek maar het verlossende nieuws kwam dat ik mocht bellen met Danny. Hij was ontzettend lief voor me en wist me zo op te vrolijken, vooral toen hij zei dat ik diezelfde avond nog naar het concert mocht, het kwam onverwachts voor me en ik denk dat op dat moment alle emoties door elkaar gegooit werden. Het was een geweldige dag, we stonden op de 3e rij en het concert was geweldig. Bij de bekende nummers zong het hele publiek mee en bij de andere nummers vooral de voorste rijen. Ook toen ze net het podium kwamen was het adembenemend, het intro ging door merg en been en heeft me meerdere keren kippenvel bezorgd. Ook I'm yours was live kippenvel bezorgend en prachtig. Toen het afgelopen was, geloofde ik het nog steeds niet dat het allemaal echt gebeurd was. De dagen erna was ik vrolijker dan ooit, grappig om te zien wat voor effect muziek op een mens kan hebben. Ook hierna hebben The Script en hun muziek me door alle tijden gesleept, goede tijden maar ook de mindere. Wat voor emotie ik ook voelde, hun muziek was er altijd voor me en heeft me in elke situatie kracht gegeven om door te gaan. Ook hebben ze mensen bij elkaar gebracht, ik heb contact met mensen over de hele wereld die ook fan zijn van The Script, daarnaast heb ik door The Script 1 van mijn beste vriendinnen ontmoet. In september 2012 kwam hun derde album, ''#3'' uit. Ik moest heel erg wennen aan dit album, het was heel anders dan de andere 2 albums maar zeker niet minder. Ook deze liedjes staan in mijn hart gegrafeerd. Op dit album hoor je meer van Mark en iets wat ze heel goed kunnen; rap. Dat is iets verfrissend en ik vind het heel mooi gecombineert met de zang tussendoor. De teksten zijn geschreven als bazen en dan wil ik vooral wijzen op 'Give the love around'. ''See the thing about karma is it loves a bit of drama, she loves to hunt you down and pay you back for the things you did.'' Ook daarna kwam er weer goed nieuws, ze komen weer terug naar Nederland in 2013. Mijn lieve ouders hebben op woensdag ochtend in de voorverkoop kaartjes voor mij gekocht en gelukkig maar, want het was weer uitverkocht. Het duurt nu nog 19 dagen en ik zie er erg naar uit maar toch vind ik het ook best eng, ziggo dome is erg groot en ik heb er zo lang naar uitgekeken en straks is het allemaal gedaan en komt het niet meer terug. Maar ik ga weer ontzettend genieten en over een aantal dagen ben ik al 4 jaar fan en daar komen, zonder twijfel, nog heel veel dagen bij.
I'm praying an angel would love me.
''To the woman who supported me through everything, through every line and every breath. The woman who inspired me, to the woman who's now my angel in heaven.'' When a writer falls in love with you, you can never die. Your name will always been written on the pages. The writer will always be inspired of you and your appearance. His characters will have drawings of you, the way you pulled your hair or the sound your giggle made. And even if it's not his meaning to make the characters look like you or the things you've said, he'll always do, unaware. When you've loved someone so much, they're taking over your passion and it'll never fade away. It just stays in your mind, in your work and your heart. Writing is a kind of expressing your thoughts and feelings, what means something about the book is a part of his soul. Many people all over the world will read his stories. Many people will talk about his books, his writing skills. Your name will still me spoken on their lips, as long as they'll be calling your name, you aren't death for real.
We're born with millions of little lights shining in the dark and they show us the way.
My mother waved at me and blew one last kiss. ''Take care!'' She yelled and then she faded in the crowd. I fumble a bit at the bracelet my mom gave me, there are elegant letters on it which make up the sentence 'home is where the heart is.' It's something where my mom always have believed in. It didn't take any tears for me to take the plane to West-Virginia. There's a young boy, sitting in front of me, as he leans at the stanchion, he asks ''Are you going all alone?'' I nod at the young boy. ''Why?'' ''I'm going to study over there, taking colleges.'' The boy looks confused. ''Can't you study in your hometown?'' ''Of course I can, but there are more reasons why I move to West-Virginia, reasons you'll understand when you're older.'' I didn't tell the main reason. ''Please, tell me.'' He's studious for his age. ''Well, first about you. Why are you going to West-Virginia?'' And then he's not saying any word. ''My dad is there. I haven't seen him in a long time.'' ''Aww, so you are going to visit him?'' ''He's dead, the police found his dead body in West-Virginia.'' I think all the colour of my face faded away. ''I'm so sorry for you.'' He raises his shoulders, he doesn't realise what I actually means, to be dead. It's such an awful feeling, to lose someone you love and you know you'll never be able to see them again. ''So tell me about you,'' he switches. ''Well. Okay. Have you ever had a girl in your class? You secretly liked?'' he starts to smile shyly. ''Well in West-Virginia, there lives one special boy, you know?' he's laughing loudly. ''You are in loooooooooooooooooooooooooove!'' ''Ssssssht'' It made me feel better to make him smiling. ''So I'm going to visit him and we'll stay over there.'' He climbs out of his seat and walks carefully to the seat next to me. ''May I?'' I nod. ''You're a real gentleman!'' He's giggling.
''Now your turn, again. What about that one special girl?'' ''NAAAAH I DON'T LIKE GIRLS'' he screams while he is laughing. ''Liar.'' It made my heart melt how happy the boy was, even what just happened to his dad.
It's getting late while talking hour after hour with the boy and how weird it is, I still down know his name. But his eyelids become heavier and I see how he slowly falls asleep, next to me. And this is a moment I'll treasure. A stranger is falling asleep next to you, feeling safe near to you. I think that's one of the greatest feelings in the world. ''You'll be fine,'' I whisper.
Don't let me go.
I've tried many times to describe the feelings I have for you. But everytime it doesn't fit in. It's not even one percent of what I truly feel. There's no right combination of words to describe everything inside me. Not a word with a choice of twenty-six letters could ever be able to make it faithfully. So I just give it a try and hope you keep it in mindYou're beautiful, you're amazing, you're funny, you're lovely. You're a beautiful creation of DNA. A perfect combination, I love everything about you, from the top of your head to the skin under your toes. From your heart, to your veins, to your bones. But you and I both know, that we aren't meant to be as we thought we were. We're just to different types of souls and we fight a lot. The reason what made me to write this, is that I can't make you happy anymore. I wish I could, but I just can't. Everything I do, it just don't work between us and I'm tired of trying. And I guess, so are you. You've put so much effort in our relationship but maybe we have to accept the fact, we don't belong together. It's been 2,5 years since we first met and I would never ever imagine my life without you anymore, but I have to. I don't know if you saw this coming or not, but as you have seen.. I'm gone and I'm never coming back again. It's the best for both of us. It doesn't mean I don't love you anymore because I do and it's gonna be a very hard time for me but I'll be fine, I hope soon but I'm scared I won't.
You'll be happy again either, you'll find a great man who is actually able to make you the most happy person on earth. Someone who doesn't make you cry at night and make you feel worthless all the time. Please, go on with your life and be happy with some other guy and be a great mom. I'm sure you will be. Please tell your kids about me, I wish they would be mine but they also deserve a better father than I would be.
So this is it, this was our time and thank you so much for the memories we've shared. I'm sorry, I never wanted this but it is better, I can't live my whole life with guilt.
My fingers crumbled the paper, my whole body was shivering. This couldn't be real, this had to be a joke. Jason wouldn't leave, he wouldn't. He promised. It felt like my whole world was coming down, everything what we had was falling apart. I let my body fall on the ground and cry my eyes out, and I couldn't do anything to save us, I just had to wait for someone who'll find me lying at the cold ground. The truth is, when everything's going well, everything's crashing down and I don't want to try, I don't want to get up, but I have to. We weren't a perfect pair but we made it through. I don't think I'll be ever able to smile again.
Is there really no way to reach me?
Would you believe me when I said it was too much for me? Words like 'You need to hang yourself up!' 'Cut your wrists' made me do things, I'd swore I'd never do, so yeah, I attempted to commit suicide, but it failed. And I'm glad about that. I laid my feelings in something I'm best at, drawing. I made drawing after drawing, after a while I had a complete portfolio, with quality.
In the middle of the nights, my mother yelled at my dad, what a failure he was. I heard him cry in his sleep while I laid down in my bed, staring at the ceiling. I knew his pain, I felt his pain but I couldn't do anything about it because I knew, he didn't want me to know. On evenings like this evening, she screamed she'd drive herself death in the car. Genuinely, she drove off.
It was up to me, to wait for her to come back, if she actually would come back. If she wasn't totally getting insane and turn words into actions. Then it would be my fault. I'm the worthless daughter, I had to jump in front of a train, I had to cut my wrists through. I had to tie a rope around my neck, tight, so I couldn't breathe anymore. But I let everything overcome, I let all the words, which were like bullets affect me. It was wrong, it was a mess, I knew it of myself.
Until this, I could forgive her, whatever she caused me, everything. But what I'm gonna tell you now, I can remember it very well. Days I had worked on a drawing at A3 size. I meant to show my drawing the next day at school, because I was very proud of it. It was a women with beautiful hair which covered her eyes. The covering of the eyes symbolized that love is blind. The woman wore a rose between her lips. I came home after a long day at school. My mother was that morning before I left, angry at me, as usual. I went upstairs and found a room with tiny little paperpieces, everywhere. Pieces of the drawing which I had work at for days. Which I had laid my heart and soul. It was gone, it was exhausted, ruined. Without being even a little sorry, she walked mad-mooded my room in. Why I had made such a bunch of my room? I started to cry, silently.
This haven't ever happen to me, luckily. But it's happening to someone of my closest friends. Please know I'm here for you always. I dedicated this to you. To show my support and respect. 'cause you're one of the strongest persons I know and I wanted you to know. Keep holding on. <3
They only had each other.
When we were in the car, we watched each other for a long time. Jenna broke the silence. ''How for god's sake are we going to tell it to Wendy?''
We drove home, neither of us cried, neither of us said a world. We were just like living death body's, staring at the abandoned streets. I noticed Jenna was emotional when her hands were shaking when she tried to step out of the car. ''Wait, I'll help you.'' I said. We waited by the front door, I held her in my arms, like we already had to say goodbye. ''Are you going to tell it Wendy?'' I asked. Her brown eyes were begging me. ''I.. I.. I don't think I can handle it right now.'' I nodded, it was up to me.
After a half an hour Wendy came home, actually it felt like a half an hour, it could've been 5 minutes either. She was smiling and showed me her drawing. Jenna, me and wendy were on it, we were smiling.. just like the sun and we were as big as the house. I complimented her and she giggled.
''Listen, Wendy.. I need to tell you something important about mom.'' She watched me with her blue eyes, which are just like mine, when she was nibbling on her cookie. ''You know mom had trouble with her back and knees, and she was tired?'' She nodded, of course she knew. 'Mom and I went to the doctor to look if there was something wrong, they made some pictures and took blood of her. Do you remember that?'' I was overwhelmed with emotions, but I had to stay strong for my own daughter. ''Today the doctor told us, mommy is unwell.. she's diagnosed with cancer. But you can recover from it.. do you remember Uncle William?'' Her face was filled with despair. I've never seen her like this. Her eyes were asking me not to tell the truth, like she wanted me to lie to her.. to ask me to be the ''super-dad'' who could do everything, horse riding, being a wizard, building sheds. Couldn't he make mommy better?
My breath was nervous, so do I. I felt the sentence landing on me when I was speaking the fatal words to my 7-year old daughter. ''Mom won't be better. Mom is going to die.''
Not even death can make us part.
I dedicated this to my two lovely bothers, who both passed away. But I will love them forever.
Two brothers, so close together. Nothing could come in between. Not even death.
Your arms like towers. Tower over me.
She had it enough said, her narrow lips unfasten to beggin'. She was done with it. Her body wanted to do everything but fighting. It looked like she had already given up the fight. And however she was young, she realized it better than anyone, something was wrong. The hair fell out, where she was proud of. Her smile, which let hearts of people melt, faded away. At the end of the battle, there was nothing left of her. The little happy girl, who used to ran and dance down the street, wasn't the happy girl anymore. But she was searching for hope, hope in the hundred of cards which were hanging above her bed, hope in the loads of teddy bears which fell of her bed. Hope in the doctors, they promised her a lot. The little girl who went through the worst times and proofed what everyone already knew, she was strong enough.
A smile bigger than anyone had ever seen, covered her lips. She was wrapped in a beautiful, pink dress.
On her head, she wore a crown and in her hand she squeezed a tiny royal stick. She wore golden, princess shoes. Everyone down the street, watched her passing by and bow for her, what made her giggle. When her grandpa, opened the door for the car, to drive home, she's talking the whole road about her perfect day. And when she's home.. her prince is waiting for her and kneels down. The little princess runs and hugs her prince. When her prince kissed her on her cheek, tears streamed down her face. Her daddy took a day-off of his work, especially for her, to join in on her special day. She began to realize she was a real princess. She didn't had to sleep a hundred years anymore, she wasn't poisoned by the apple anymore.
No, she was recoverd. She was finally healthy. The cancer was gone.
She will be who he adores.
Today is the big day. The day you've waited for, for months. Maybe even years. I dreamed as a little girl about my perfect wedding, with the most ideal husband, the perfect weddingdress, the cherished people at the most breathtaking place. Today I would make it real. I could admit it, but I was bloody nervous. To choke wasn't an option.
I looked at my own reflection in the mirror, point out the flaws. Compare my face to who I was six years ago. I take a sigh, close my eyes and calm myself: ''Everything will be allright. Don't worry about a thing. He loves you. You love him, this is your future.'' The thought makes me smile again. My dearest, maybe even more nervous than I was, mother walks in. ''Love, are you ready? We need to go to the altar.'' I grab the things I brought hurried and walk to the car, which my dad decorated especially for me.
When we arrive at the altar, I see him standing there. He looks even more stunning then I imagined. In less then an hour, I might be carrying his surname with me. It sounds like a melody. And he's mine, from now until we die. I bite my lip, what for my mother improve me.
The time was finally near. Careful I walk beside him. He smiles carefully, he doesn't say a word, but his eyes speak a whole story. Frailty I smile back, would he notice I'm dying of my own nerves? The priest takes his time, hurry up; I think. I only focus myself on the ''I do.'' and when he finally said it, everything doesn't matter anymore.. and all I could do is agree. ''I do. I wouldn't ask for more.''
The people of the company are applauding and are truly happy for us. The last hours are going beyond me, the congratulations, the dancing, the talks, the laughing. How we cheer on everyone's luck. Everything I ache for right now is being with him. Alone.
We walk, almost shuffle down the avenue. He grabs carely my hand and put his fingers in the spaces between my fingers, they fit perfectly. We walk further in silence, not an uncomfortable silence, a soothing, loved silence. While we watch the sunset, he puts his fingertips on my cheek. The touch makes me shiver. Slowly he bring his lips close to mine and it feels like the first time. But now with a look forward at the future, I am yours. Forever.
Your soul is haunting me and telling me that everything is fine but I wish I was dead.
This one-shot is based on the song and music video 'Summertime sadness' of Lana Del Rey.
The song is about two lesbian lovers, who both commit suicide. I wrote this one-shot for my best friend, because it's her favourite song.
To really understand what I'm writing about you've to listen to the song yourself.
You can listen to the song here: Summertime sadness (click on it)
'Emily, you're beautiful.' She said. I ignored her words, they didn't make any sense anymore to me. 'Emily..' she repeats, trying to make me change my mind. 'No, I'm not. Do you see this?' I point to my belly with a disgusted face. 'I'm fat and oh wait, look at all my scars.' I show her my wrists. 'And then I'm not even talking about the rest of my body.' I turned around, walked away from the one I used to love, to be honest, still love. She ran after me. 'No Emily, don't you understand? I love you. What means I love every inch of you, everything..' She take my wrists. 'I still think you're beautiful.' I've never thought she would react in such a calm way. I imagined her crying, screaming I was going insane but something in the way she talked, let me know she was allright with my decision. I kissed her with all my force I had left. 'You're the best, you should know that.' Lana said. I nodded at her. 'Don't miss me, okay? Just be happy, don't be a fool like me. I'll die happy tonight.'' She gave me one last kiss.
I drove away in my car. Didn't look back. I reached the bridge, climbed on the edge. The water was wild, I must admit though, it looked beautiful. 'I'll die happy tonight.' I repeat. With my spreaded arms I fell forwards. Like I was flying on the winds of change. It felt like hours before I reached the water. The icecold streaming water took me with. I gotta swim 'til I drown. All I felt was the water and the last beats of my heart.The memories rushed through my mind. My lungs were screaming for air, but I ignored it. My skin was pale white and cold. My heart decided to beat for the last time. I saw an intensely light and some things I can't describe. Then I knew it was over. I didn't have to suffer anymore. I died happy tonight.
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Recent Entriesa 12 word poem
Not in love with you.
[poem] but not today.
[poem] darkest hours.
Why I love The Script so much.
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