29/9/2007 - Number 2
Well.. what can I say..
He has been the biggest surprise of my life.
I never believed in love (or is it lust?) at first sight.
This guy was on a datingsite and refused to pay because he thinks one shouldn't make money over ones lovelife so he had hidden his email address in his hobbies. Fantastically clever I thought.
And he had a great description saying he would like to enrich somebodies life and just wanted to give women a nice evening.
Well.. of course.. after all the experience i have had with internetdating I knew this was a lie but the intentions that came from it felt good so I thought I would send him a mail and see what came back. I said something like 'I solved the puzzle, do I now get extra points for that?'
He was all over me like a rash instantly and said it was so great that I mailed him and that he now wanted to be my boyfriend and be monogamous in that.
EEKS.. you have never seen somebody run away as fast as me inside.. I did answer him though, didn't want to be rude but thought he was a bit strange so I left it.
He kept on coming back on chat and mail though and said nice things about how he thought I was a clever and interesting woman and then.. he asked me out to dinner, his treat.
Well... people who know me know I do food! So. .he got me then but I didn't expect anything of it. Even less when he said that he would take a quotationbook so we can discuss filosophers. That had me and my entire family in stitches for days nobody has EVER found it necessary to take things to keep the conversation going.
Anyway, the day came, he came and picked me up from a metro station and I stepped into his car totally ready to see mr super nerd and put him down a peg or two snce he came across slightly arrogant.
Honestly.. I have never felt this before, I sat down, he smiled and I just felt myself fall... like.. hugely.. and the fun thing was that I saw the same thing happen in his eyes.
All I could stammer was 'you better keep your eyes on the road' but apart from that I just could do nothing else but smile like a 16 year old. And that didn't stop all evening.
Of course.. I felt that he was all over me and definitely had huge fantasies about wild sex, I could just see it in his eyes, not helped of course by all the things I was oozing since I thought he was the sexiest thing I have ever seen.
As always this huge feeling of OH MY GOD came over me. .I am ugly underneath my clothes, how am I going to tell him.
He felt safe though, so trustworthy, so ... like me really.. full of good intentions and love.
So.. after a deep breath I said 'well.. yeah you might THINK I am so nice and sexy and all the other things you say to me but 6 years ago I lost 50 kilos and that has had a disastrous effect on my body so I feel like a huge imposter now since I look nice dressed but not naked and I don't really know how to deal with all this attention.'
What happened in the next 10 seconds has repaired me more fully than anything could have ever done.
He looked at me totally shocked but with so much love and said 'But Tanja.. I see in front of me a fantastic woman, you are beautiful inside and out and I can not stop looking into your sweet eyes and loving face and how can you even think that anything like that can matter at all'
And I know.. loads of people will say yeah yeah he is just saying.. but no.. he said it but for the first time in my life I felt it arrive.. I felt his sincerity.
At that moment he made love to my soul and he is IN, more than anybody else will ever be I think.
Of course the proof is in the pudding I hear you say but rest assured I had the pudding a few days ago and it was all really true. It didn't matter. At all. Didn't get discussed, mentioned, looked at, we just enjoyed eachother to the full and enjoyed the experience.
And now I am finally in a place where I can say, yeah, I am OK, damaged, but OK.
Thank you number 2...
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27/9/2007 - Number 1
Lets call him Rick.
Rick was my first contact.. married for over 30 years.. and never even once looked outside his marriage...
Then he turned 50.. isn't that just the story of everbodies life.. that suddenly you start thinking 'is this all'?
I remember having this with my 'ONE', even when I really felt he was that for me I thought very clearly 'Gosh, now I will never have sex with anybody else anymore' that was a slightly uncomfortable thought that got quickly put aside because of the pleasure I derived from the exclusivity. Hm..
Anyway, back to Rick..
He is one of those very stable guys.. I noticed him on this datingsite. of course, no picture but his profile was cute. He wrote it like almost a shopping list and stated all the things that the woman he was looking for should have, sweet gentle things, like you are: sweet, nice, loving, caring, empathic, needs to like food.
And that was the thing that grabbed me.. I am one of those short and fat types although I now understand that there are actually men who like my big bits and wouldn't call them fat but full and love something to hold. Halleluja!!! I should have realised that before!
Anyway, I was intrigued by the 'needs to like food' comment, I had 9,5 weeks type visions but of course reality is almost always a lot more boring and normal than any fantasy I can come up with, it turns out he is an ex cook who is now working as a manager but still loves to cook and enjoys making and eating dinner.
He clearly stated in his profile he wasn't looking for a quick shag but really wanted a contact to share some attention and appreciation with.
After speaking to him through email and definitely feeling a click it became clear that even though he still has sex with his wife there is no spice in it (well not surprising after 30 years, I know no couple who even are together that long!) and that if he suggests anything out of the ordinary she just shrugs.
It is amazing how quick we got to basics (sex of course :-)) in our emails.
I think we shared 2 emails about general things, who we were and all that and then he started writing about how he wasn't sure if he would be brave enough to initiate any sex we might want to have.
So.. well.. how is one supposed to react? Me, being me, of course, reacted immediately with 'Don't worry about the sex, that will all be ok'. haha.. well.. that of course changed the communication dramatically from gentle exploring into wild fantasies!
Within 6 days we felt totally ready and safe to have sex with eachother and I must admit.. it left me so surprised about how easy it is to get sex, I never realised that it was this easy.
Well.. In the midst of all this I was talking to another guy who turned out to be number 2 - Alex...
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24/9/2007 - There!
It is time for a separate blog!
I am 46 and fed up with following the rules.
I have tried 3 times now to live with 1 man and each time thought he was THE ONE, each time more convinced than the last and each time so surprised it turned boring after all.
Also 3 times now I had to start all over again, find a house, buy new stuff, enjoy my freedom and normally it would only be a matter of time before a man sweeps me off my feet and we decide to live happily ever after.
This time I have created a palace and added a big big virtual lock on the door. It is invisible for everybody except me. No toothbrushes will be left in this house!
I am going to act like good investors do.. I mean.. you would never put your money in one savings account or investment option would you? So why am I determined to do this with men?
I want my palace to stay my palace but living without men is just not what I want so I had to find a solution. I want men in my life but I do not want to wash their socks or see them every day. I would like different men with different properties so I hopefully prevent myself from giving myself away again in full and waking up 7 year later with a hangover.
Now.. how to go about it?
This is what I did (excerpt from my clean blog):
So, since I have my intentions clear, being.. I want some more testosteron in my life but only for a fling or some 'Living Apart Together' arrangement I thought I would enroll myself in one of those hilarious dating sites. I mean.. what harm can it do right? Masses of people must be in the same situation and rather than waiting for someone to approach me on the street saying 'gosh I would like to LAT with you' I thought I would narrow it down to men who are actually looking for someone new in their life.
Man!! Talk about inspiration for a blog!
Anyway, one step at a time...
First.. my profile.. of course.. I put myself in there as 46 and overweight, rather under promise and over deliver I thought, in my profile I described myself as follows (all in Dutch of course which might not always translate properly, hope you use your imagination as to what I might have meant :-))
I am a cheerful, spontaneous, self aware rubenesk woman who after 3 long (however beautiful) relationships has decided to just want to live apart together. I look for someone who shares the same sentiment, who wants to keep his own place but does have a need for some romantic interaction. I am very interested in personal development and like to view my life as a project. I work for an IT company implementing new projects which gives balance to my spiritual side. I like cycling, cooking, going out to dinner (basically all things during which you can have good conversation)
Well.. not too bad I thought, succinct and hopefully attracting the right people.
Want to have a look at 'the right people' who thought that I would fit their life beautifully?
What!!?? I mean.. come on!!
And I am sure, really absolutely sure that these are very nice men, honest!
I find it a bit depressing..one of them told me that their wife left them beause she was ill and all he could do to help her was cook and that wasn't enough and that now he can only get around by using a rollator or a scootmobile thing. Not even sure you have those in the UK, here everybody who even has a little bit of a problem with walking buy one of those, like a scooter (or a chair pretending to be a scooter) which goes really slow. Anyway..
After a few of those contacts luckily there were a few that were a bit more normal, higher educated and who sounded actually nice. Although K warned me that they probably only looked nice because of the comparison with the rollator guys.
I comfort myself with the idea that the real problem here is that these people do not have an accurate sense of self so can't even begin to realise that their self would most likely not fit mine!!
To be fair.. it is all good fun.. because my profile after 1 day!!! has been watched 600 times and I have had 60 'I am interested type of contacts'.
Amazing to see though that so many men look for something on the side.. of course when I wrote my profile I didn't realise that it would be fantastically attractive for that purpose.
I think my first question to ask will have to be, 'will you be able to celebrate Christmas with me', how is that for a bottom line question. Mind you, I wouldn't even want to but I am sure that it would make absolutely clear where I would sit in the bigger picture!
Well .. I just had to share, and I really apologise for anyone reading this and being offended by me putting their picture in my blog but since it is public domain information (www.lexa.nl) I thought as long as I didn't say who they were it would be ok!
I will definitely keep you informed of any further developments, for now I will keep on ploughing through their profiles as long as I can stand it, I find it amazing how many stupid and/or mediocre men exist. (No offence guys, the readers of this blog know I hold them in high regard)
This has to be it for today. Soon I will start to introduce the sofar 3 men that I have chosen to be part of my life for the foreseen future...
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Enough of living by the rules