25/11/2013 - Going through life in a womans body feeling a man
I'm 38 years old woman and want to share my story with people who going through the same thing and fight the same fight every day. Since I hit puberty I knew that my sexual interests wasn't with boys. I knew that I was very attracted to woman and still am. I also have had this strong feeling inside meof wanting to be a boy. I played with boys. Played with boys toys dressed like a boy and so and so on. Altho when I was 15 I got told by my parents they'd not accept a gay in their family. Not knowing about my feelings cause I hadn't told them. Young as I wa and ofcourse lookingup to your parents I kept my mouth shut. Also considering the fact that 24 years ago this subject was more taboe as it is now. So I eventually got married and got 2 kids. Still feeling the way I always did. As hard as I tried to blockthese feelings and trying to be a "woman" I just didn't succeed in that. I felt lonely and empty and had no one to share it all with. My marriage surely suffered under. Simply for the fact that I just hated having sex with my then husband. In 2004 I found a gaming site. Not knowing what affect it would have in the long run I decided to make a profile and pretended to be a man. And yes I know many people will already judge me now cause it's a wrong thing to do. Like I said I didn't think and would never expected things to go as they did. Ofcourse I started flirting with women wich just went like the most natural thing for me. I felt like I could finally be the me. The real me residing inside me. After awhile I also made a facebook account ofcourse as a man. I named myself Roy and started adding women who I met on some social games. Then after having a few short so called "relationships" online I said to myself I would probably never be a man and just try to accept who I am. I left facebook and tried to focus on my marriage. This didn't work out at all and in 2008 I eventually ended up filing for divorce. After that I returned to facebook as Roy again. And in 2010 I met a woman. We didn't pay much attention to eachother. Cause I knew it would never be and she didn't know that I was actually a born woman. We lost contact but in July 2012 we again met online and started talking. She still not knowing I was a woman. The more we talked the more feelings started to develop. She had already declared herlove for me while I kept telling her not to cause it was wrong and she shouldn't fall in love with me. The excuse I used for that is cause she was married herself (very unhappy) But she didn't let on. And as much as I tried not to fall for her I still did. we spend a year on the phone and online. And for those who ask. Yes she asked to talk on skype but I used the excuse my webcam didn't work. Then after a year and her being fed up with my excuses I finally decided that I had to tell her the truth. Altho she thought I was a man we did share a true love. Now in november 2013 I told her the truth about me. Ofcourse she was in shock and I didn't expect any less than for her to just walk out of my life and not look back. But she didn't. She stayed and we still talk even tho it's been a few days since i told her. She tells me she can'tbe with me cause she can't be with a woman. But she does tell me she still loves me only as Roy and she wants him back. We both know I can't give him back. But I can give her the love I have given her this past year. I even seriously considered about looking into a transgender operation. And talked to her about it. She keeps telling me she loves my inside and as Roy but she can't be with me cause I'm a woman on the outside
Is there anyone who has gone through something similar or feels like I feel???? What do I do? What do we do?