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A wandering mind

Feb 11th 2009

23:48, 11/2/2009 .. 0 comments .. Link
Life is a weird thing, your making plans for the future and then some events happen that are beyond your control. Usually its caused by the people around you, your loved ones or random events that are out of you  control anyway.

Here i was just a few weeks ago planning a vacation to visit Argentina to find out what i feel about her and she about me... now i feel more like slitting my wrists and bleed to death in the bathroom. Curses! not that would do such a thing, but god almighty sometimes i get so pissed at life and the bad luck it throws at my feet. Cant take charge of it and lead the life i want, instead i am lived by the circumstances of others.

That bastard of a man that is coïncidentally my father is calling it quits with the family business. Long story to explain but in a nutshell it boild down to the following. My uncle went bankrupt with his business due to mismanagement and trusting the wrong people too much. My dad made some bad decissions in supporting him and lending him huge sums of money. After my uncle's company goes bankrupt my fathers company follows. Leaving my mom who is depeding on my dad for an income even tho they are divorced hang dry. She is 50+ too old to most jobs and too uneducated to apply for the ones she might be able to do.

So here i am cancelling my own future plans because now its my turn to support my mother. She deserves it and i will not regret doing it. After all the years she has been my mom and loved me and supported me i can do nothing less and still be able to look into the mirror. I will regret being forced to do it because my dad is a moronic bastard. Once more he seems capable of messing up my life, he rarely directly affects it, by indirect he does in ways i cannot evade. He never was there at a graduation, a match or there to comfort or support me. It was always my mom, being a parent for the both of them. Some people will find it hard to believe you can live in the same house for more then 20 years and still not have a single good talk. No father to son advice, not even a pat on the shoulder or anything that would hint at a bond between me and my dad. He could die tomorrow and i would lose only the man that payed for my upbringing. Not a real father that helps a son to become a man, just an adulterous egotistical stone hearted man that happens to be my biological father.

I dared to dream, dream of a girl that lightens my heart, makes me drift on a pink cloud and that managed to touch my very soul. I started to believe it might have worked, i could have taken a chance and see what opportunities i could have in her country on the other side of the world. An exciting and new start, with what might have been the person to light up my life and give me purpose... Life is nothing if you dont share, dont share the joy as well as the grief. Even strong men cry, just not in the presence of others... they want to apear strong. maybe i watched too many sappy movies of late.

Oh wel, at least i have the chance to do something for my mom that really matters. And in the meanwhile pray i'm not too much like my dad. I would hate to make the same mistakes he  has.

soujourn

Jan 6th 2009

22:58, 6/1/2009 .. 0 comments .. Link
How depressing can it be to love someone, yet know the chances of being together are almost zero?

Well as always in life you have to focus on the smaller happier things, though  when i woke up this morning i wasn't exactly jumping with energy. Rather would have spend the entire day in my bed, thinking on how to fix that which is broken and if i should try to fix it... but how to unsay what is already said?

Almost 30 and i still haven't learned when to shut up and, when not to. Here comes this girl that believes in things i lost faith in years ago, or was it just last year when my parents divorced? As fucked up as it was to hear my dad was cheating on my mom, it wasn't as bad to hear he did it for the second time. The first time being when my mother was pregnant with me and my older sister was only 1. So selfish, so egotistical, so unbelievably cruel, so ... my own father. I got his blood, his genes. I hope, no i pray to god(and i ain't even religious) i am not like him, yet i am. I have allot of his characteristics allot of his habits.

Maybe that is what killed me from the inside, well it wasn't the only cause of course but a nice final hit it made all the same. I'm the son of a cheating bastard who has created an empty life by pursuing his desires in a most selfish way. I fear so much, i fear to gamble with my heart. I fear of hurting others, the ones i care deeply for. I fear being like my dad, who in the end pursued only his own needs and desires and hurt all those he was supposed to love. I guess thats the bottom line, i lost faith in love. I push those i love away to a safe distance, so i don't have to take the risk of getting hurt. So i don't have the pain of the loss when they leave me.

Weird thing is i will end up alone that way. Its not the solution. Julieta, my sunshine, told it so cleverly as the porcupine dilemma. 2 porcupines have to share body heat to survive the winter, but because of their needles they cant get close to each other. Leaving them the choice of either getting hurt but getting close enough to share the heat and survive. Or not and die because they are too afraid to hurt each other.

Where is my brain when i need it? She's smarter then me, at her age even she can see things more clear then i do at this moment. Beauty and brains... i should remind myself why i am giving her up... but the more i think, the more i feel and both heart and brain are telling me the same thing. Now if they team up and defeat my fear i might find myself on an airplane to Argentina in the near future. 

Carpe diem , seize the day. It rang true when first said, it rings true even today. However the seizing will have to wait till tomorrow, i lost my courage somewhere and will have to look for it first.

Jan 2nd 2009

01:51, 3/1/2009 .. 0 comments .. Link
My mind wanders astray and my heart becomes heavy. I shut everyone out of my life that i start to love, fearful that i might actually have to admit i love them so i risk getting hurt again. I could love, i want to love, yet finding someone worthy of trusting my heart to is an entirely different matter.

I often think of my dear Julietta, my sun ray out of Argentina. When i look at her pictures i almost start to believe there must be a god and that he is an artist to have created such a beautiful face. Love at first sight? well it was more first glimpse of her mind. yet there are so many problems i trust in my own way i cant help but stop and wonder how on earth i deserved it.. Thing is i don't deserve it nor does she deserve to be punished with someone like me. I don't believe i could ever make her happy, as happy as she should be.

Thats the blackness in my heart, the incapability to see myself being able to be happy. I feel like a simpleminded and ignorant fool, for not being able to love even myself. All i have to do is accept it and open my heart to those trying to reach out to me. After that is just a matter of working out the small problems... like the ocean thats between Europe and South America.

I was happy after watching stardust... but that feeling is quite gone now.. guess i will have to sleep and think about it in the morning again.

Soujourn.

New Years Eve 2008

17:53, 31/12/2008 .. 0 comments .. Link
Bloody hell, just picked up grandma. Who of course took ages to get ready, wanted me to bring all the food and stuff to the car which we prolly wont eat anyway, and was complaining about being rushed.

Oh well if it gets too foggy i have to drive her back home and i can enjoy the rest of the night in the local pub. Which prolly will be boring too, since they sold half the tickets and most ppl will stay at home anyway. predictions are 10 meter sight later on this night.

New Years Eve, tomorrow will bring the new year and hopefully happier tidings. Last year was quite a depressing year, divorce, death, break-ups, illness and what not. Almost everyone in my surrounding experienced one or another. Me, well i am too much of a loner to be bothered by any of that, and rarely sick too. But i do get depressed when ppl i know are affected drasticly by all that.

Luckily my new job seems to be really hitching on. A young and fresh company with a small crew.

Happy New Year ALL!

First entry - Xmas

01:12, 27/12/2008 .. 0 comments .. Link
Ok, its xmas and just like the last 3 years i look back on the years that have passed. 29, one more year till 30.. damned i am getting old. where are the days i didnt even think about any thing beside where to party the next weekend?

i am not entirely happy, i'm afraid i might never be happy in my life again. is it because i am never happy? or because i have isolated myself too much? in search of myself i have done most things in my life in a different order as most others. my friends went to university and i went to work, they finished university and i decided to start university. basically i never fitted in, either to young for work or too old for school.

almost everything in my life has been that way, maybe its because i am a gemini. maybe its because i am a guy or maybe i am just an incensitive bastard. not that i dont feel, but appartently not the right feelings for that moment particular moment. but how can i regret things i didnt feel or didnt think about?

my latest problem was a girl that liked me and i liked her back, so far no problem. except she lives on the other side of the planet and i did not realise the age difference before i got in to deep. love knows no boundaries, yet people seem to lay those boundaries on them selfes anyway. how can i love a girl that i havent ever seen in real flesh, only talked to over the internet and that is 10 years younger then i am? yet i think i do, while knowing it will never work. leaving me in the a strange situation of not wanting to hurt her and myself knowing it will result into just that eventually.

now during xmas you get to see all your friends share time with their loved ones. as a single that stings, i am happy they are so lucky to have found their partners, yet wonder what i did wrong since i am still single in the times of family celebrations like xmas and new year's eve. its the time when a single can feel lonely even among his own friends and family.realizing i have nobody to talk to before i sleep, nobody to cuddle with when its cold and nobody to lie next to when i'm tired at the end of the day. life is less when you dont get to share it with a loved one.

well maybe next year is better, positive thinking will win the day, and maybe i will meet the girl that will steal my heart.

who knows, they say xmas is a magical season, maybe something will rub off on me.

KH.

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